With the dust settled and the furore mostly over, we can finally start coming to terms with Tomb Raider as an Xbox exclusive on its own terms; what it has to offer and what we can expect. Recently however, I’ve heard arguments that the purchase was a bad move by Microsoft; that the 2013 reboot sold poorly and therefore the sequel will too. I’ve also never stopped hearing grumblings that the rebooted series abandoned its core design fundamentals, from its er… Core Design days. The former isn’t really true, as it’s sold almost ten million copies now, but it did start a little slowly for Square Enix’s unrealistic expectations. Anyway, I considered writing an educated, thoughtful piece to address these concerns. But I’m not going to.
I considered arguing that the reboot sold a little slowly at first – compared to other major games at the time – because the franchise was effectively dead, that the controversy surrounding its early promotional material had harmed its chances, and that Square Enix are terrible at video games. I considered arguing that being an Xbox exclusive will give it the muscle to be a true equal to the PS4’s Uncharted; the perennial pretender to the action-adventure throne. I considered arguing that second time round, with immense work required to set the series in a new direction and the basic formula established, Crystal Dynamics could address all the concerns people had. I considered all of that and more. But instead of arguing that in an informed, articulate manner, I’m going to show you what really matters; the emotion and passion that gamers feel when they actually get a game in their hands.
What I’m going to do is show you exactly what I sent in an email to Crystal Dynamics immediately after finishing Tomb Raider Underworld – the last game in the series before the reboot. I was and still am a huge Tomb Raider fan, and the series was so bad at that point, I couldn’t hide my feelings. The following list should show you, better than any cleverly worded argument ever could, exactly why the reboot was needed; why the old gameplay style was failing, why ripping off Uncharted was a great idea, why people were at first reluctant to drop money on another Tomb Raider after Underworld, why Crystal Dynamics are capable of learning from their mistakes, and why Tomb Raider is on the path to glory again.
So here it is, what I wrote as the Underworld credits rolled and my emotions overflowed; when I was just an angry young gamer, before I was any kind of “journalist”. My words, verbatim, to Crystal Dynamics. Enjoy.
PRO DEV TIP #1
WHEN MAKING A LEVEL THAT INVOLVES COMPLICATED PLATFORM JUMPING DO NOT MAKE INFINITELY RESPAWNING ENEMIES THAT ARE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO KILL AND KNOCK YOU OFF INTO INSTANT KILL TRAPS FORCING YOU TO RELOAD THE WHOLE FUCKING LEVEL FROM 30 MINS AGO AND IT TAKES 5 MINS TO LOAD EVERY TIME
PRO DEV TIP #2
WHEN MAKING A LEVEL THAT INVOLVES COMPLICATED PLATFORM JUMPING DO NOT MAKE THE CAMERA SPIN AROUND REALLY FAST UPSIDE DOWN AND ALSO HAVE THE CONTROLS CHANGE DIRECTION SEEMINGLY AT RANDOM MAKING EVEN SIMPLE MANOEUVRES FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE
PRO DEV TIP #3
DO NOT SPRING SURPRISE NEW GAME ELEMENTS THAT REQUIRE INSTANT INPUT FROM THE PLAYER THAT HAVE NEVER ONCE BEEN EXPLAINED IN THE FIRST 6 HOURS OF GAMEPLAY
PRO DEV TIP #4
DO NOT DEVOTE AN ENTIRE BUTTON TO USING MEDKITS WHEN IN THE ENTIRE REST OF THE GAME YOU NEVER GET ANY. NO REALLY. YOU DON’T GET ANY. EVER. SERIOUSLY I DID NOT MAKE THAT UP. YOU DO NOT EVER GET MEDKITS DESPITE THE GAME SPENDING 15 MINS AT THE START TELLING HOW TO USE THEM.
PRO DEV TIP #5
IN THE HEAT OF COMBAT DO NOT MAKE ME HAVE TO PAUSE THE GAME AND GO THROUGH 3 SEPARATE MENUS TO CHECK HOW MUCH AMMO I HAVE LEFT, THEN ANOTHER 3 MENUS JUST TO CHANGE WEAPON
PRO DEV TIP #6
DO NOT INCLUDE A HINT SYSTEM THAT DOESN’T GIVE HINTS
PRO DEV TIP #7
DO NOT INCLUDE 4 DIFFERENT BUTTONS FOR SPRINT
PRO DEV TIP #8
DO NOT INCLUDE 5 REALLY FAST BIKE LEVELS THAT ALL TAKE PLACE IN REALLY DARK NARROW CAVES WITH ENDLESS INVISIBLE GLITCH WALLS, DEAD ENDS, AND CORNERS THAT YOU CAN’T SEE MEANING YOU CRASH EVERY 5 SECONDS AND HAVE TO RELOAD AND WAIT 5 MINS EVERY TIME
PRO DEV TIP #9
DO NOT TEASE ME WITH EXCITING SEQUENCES THEN INSTANTLY FUCK IT UP BY MAKING ME STOP EVERY 5 SECONDS TO KICK SOME POTS TO FIND IDENTICAL “TREASURES” THUS BREAKING UP THE ACTION AND RUINING THE FLOW. IF YOU WERE A CEREAL MAKER YOU WOULD PROBABLY MIX DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE PEBBLES WITH LITTLE NUGGETS OF SHIT
PRO DEV TIP #10
DO NOT MAKE TEXTURES THAT LOOK IDENTICAL TO CLIMBING LEDGES CAUSING YOU TO JUMP FOR A LEDGE THAT ISN’T THERE MEANING YOU HAVE TO RELOAD YET AGAIN AND WAIT THE CUSTOMARY 5 MINS
PRO DEV TIP #11
DO NOT MAKE THE GAME CREATE A NEW SAVE SLOT EVERY TIME IT AUTOSAVES MEANING YOUR HARDDRIVE HAS ABOUT A GIG OF SAVES
PRO DEV TIP #12
REMEMBER TO INCLUDE MORE THAN 10 LINES OF DIALOGUE
PRO DEV TIP #13
REMEMBER TO INCLUDE A FUCKING PLOT
PRO DEV TIP #14
REMEMBER TO PLAY-TEST THE GAME SO THE CHARACTER DOESN’T GET STUCK AND HAVE HER ARMS GO INSIDE OUT EVERY TIME YOU WALK ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING OR EVEN THINK ABOUT PLAYING THE GAME
PRO DEV TIP #15
REMEMBER TO INCLUDE AT LEAST ONE PUZZLE THAT ACTUALLY REQUIRES LOGICAL THOUGHT
PRO DEV TIP #16
DO NOT FORCE THE PLAYER TO WATCH AN UNSKIPPABLE 2 MINUTE CUT SCENE OF A DOOR OPENING ABOUT 500 TIMES DURING THE GAME
PRO DEV TIP #17
REMEMBER TO USE STUFF YOU’VE MADE. FOR EXAMPLE, REMEMBER TO GIVE THE PLAYER A CHANCE TO USE THE TRANQUILIZER GUN AND THE SPEAR GUN FOR MORE THAN 10 SECONDS IN THE FIRST LEVEL. ALSO, GIVE THE PLAYER A REASON TO USE THE CAMERA THING THAT GIVES INFO ABOUT STUFF DURING THE FIRST LEVEL BUT NEVER AGAIN THE ENTIRE GAME EVEN IF YOU TRY. AND ALSO THE SONAR MAP THING THAT IS USED EXACTLY ONCE FOR 5 SECONDS IN THE SECOND LEVEL AND NEVER AGAIN. ALL THAT STUFF IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE BUT NEVER EVER USED
PRO DEV TIP #18
DO NOT MAKE A MENU THAT DEFIES ALL HUMAN LOGIC
PRO DEV TIP #19
ONCE AGAIN, DO NOT SHIP A GAME WITH PAINFULLY LONG LOAD TIMES WHEN YOU KNOW FOR A FACT THE PLAYER WILL DIE LIKE 500000 TIMES BECAUSE THE GAME IS DESIGNED BY INCOMPETENT SADISTIC MENTALISTS
PRO DEV TIP #20
DO NOT ADD TIME LIMITS TO PUZZLES WHEN YOU KNOW FOR A FACT YOUR CONTROL SYSTEM IS SHIT
PRO DEV TIP #21
DO NOT BLATANTLY RIP OFF LEVELS FROM GOD OF WAR
PRO DEV TIP #22
DO NOT BLATANTLY RIP OFF LEVELS FROM YOUR OWN PREVIOUS GAME
PRO DEV TIP #23
DO NOT EXPECT THE PLAYER TO REMEMBER OR EVEN CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PREVIOUS GAME, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE HANDFUL OF DISJOINTED ATTEMPTS AT STORYTELLING YOU’VE INCLUDED ENTIRELY RELY ON SUCH KNOWLEDGE TO BE EVEN REMOTELY EFFECTIVE
PRO DEV TIP #24
DO NOT LEAVE OUT THE ONE INTERESTING FEATURE THAT EVERYONE ALWAYS ENJOYS MEANING DO NOT EXCLUDE THE FUCKING MANSION MODE WHERE YOU CAN LOCK THE BUTLER IN THE FREEZER AND LAUGH AT HIS SUFFERING IN AN ATTEMPT TO EASE YOUR OWN SUFFERING FROM PLAYING SUCH A SHIT GAME
PRO DEV TIP #25
DO NOT INCLUDE A LEVEL THAT LASTS FOR 3 MINS AND ADVERTISE IT AS A WHOLE LEVEL. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK
PRO DEV TIP #26
DO NOT ARTIFICIALLY LENGTHEN LEVELS BY MAKING THE PLAYER GO BACK AND FORTH REPEATING THE EXACT SAME THING IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE MULTIPLE TIMES
PRO DEV TIP #27
DO NOT REPEAT ENTIRE LEVELS. NO REALLY. YOU GO TO THE SAME PLACE TWICE AND DO THE SAME THING ONLY IN A NEW COSTUME
PRO DEV TIP #28
DO NOT BUILD UP TO EPIC BOSS BATTLES THAT LAST LESS THAN 10 SECONDS BECAUSE YOU CAN KILL THEM IN ONE HIT
PRO DEV TIP #29
REMEMBER THAT 10 SECOND MUSIC LOOPS DO NOT COUNT AS A SCORE
PRO DEV TIP #30
DO NOT MAKE A GAME SO HORRENDOUSLY BAD IT MAKES PEOPLE WRITE A LIST RIPPING IT APART PIECE BY PIECE
Dean Balloch contributed 12 articles to ICXM between 2014–2015, covering game reviews, and Xbox news with a focus on hands-on impressions and verified-source reporting. Their bylines on the site span the Xbox One’s first full year of post-launch coverage, including the early days of Backwards Compatibility and Windows 10 gaming. They post on X as @SpookyWomble.